What is the Ego?

“Ego” by h.koppdelaney is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0

The Ego

The ego is the part of your mind that says “I.” It holds your picture of who you are, how you should act, and how others see you. It is not your whole self, but it has a big influence on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviour.

What the ego is

In plain English, ego is:

• Your self-image: “I’m this kind of person” (for example, kind, clever, a failure, a mess, a helper).
• Your inner manager: it tries to keep you safe, liked, and in control.
• A learning system: it watches how people react to you and builds rules like “Do this to be accepted,” “Avoid that to dodge shame.”

Ego collects your past experiences – praise, blame, love, neglect, bullying – and uses them to decide how you “should” behave now.

How the ego learns and behaves

From early life, ego:

• Notices what gets you love or approval (being helpful, quiet, funny, clever).
• Notices what brings pain or shame (crying, being needy, making mistakes, being different).
• Creates strategies to protect you:
  • People‑pleasing
  • Masking your true self
  • Showing off and exaggerating
  • Attacking first so you’re not the target

These become automatic patterns. That’s why you can find yourself reacting strongly before you’ve had time to think.

Helpful vs unhelpful ego

Helpful ego:

• Helps you plan, learn, and function in the world.
• Reminds you of your skills and past successes.
• Protects you from some real dangers (for example, “That person feels unsafe, step back”).

Unhelpful ego:

• Clings to old rules that no longer fit your life (like “I must never say no”).
• Creates constant “ego chatter”: worry, self‑attack, comparisons.
• Pushes you to hide, perform, show off, or bully to avoid feeling small or ashamed.

The aim is not to kill the ego, but to train it so it works with you, not against you.

How to spot your ego in action

You’re likely seeing ego at work when:

• You feel a strong need to defend yourself over something small.
• You compare yourself to others and feel better or worse as a result.
• You hear thoughts like “I must,” “I should,” “I can’t,” “They must think I’m…”
• You start performing a role (the smart one, the strong one, the always‑fine one), even when you’re not okay.

A useful question is: “Is this my deeper self talking, or is this my ego trying to protect me using old habits?”

How to work with your ego (step by step)

Notice without blaming

Simply start to notice ego reactions:

• “I felt really angry when they corrected me.”
• “I wanted to impress them so badly I exaggerated.”
• “I laughed along even though I felt hurt.”

Instead of “I’m awful,” try: “That was my ego trying to keep me safe/liked. It makes sense. I can learn from this.”

Create moments of quiet

Give your mind short breaks from ego chatter:

• Focus on your breathing or on music for a few minutes.
• When thoughts rush in – plans, worries, self‑criticism, etc., gently say, “Not now. I’ll think later.”
• Go back to the breath or sound.

This teaches your ego it doesn’t need to be “on” every second. Over time, you gain more space to choose which thoughts matter.

Update old rules

Write down some hard inner rules you notice, such as:

• “I must keep everyone happy.”
• “I’m nothing unless I succeed.”
• “If people see the real me, they’ll leave.”

Then gently ask:

• “Where did I learn this?”
• “Is this still true for me now?”

You can replace them with fairer rules:

• “It’s good to be kind, but I can’t keep everyone happy.”
• “My worth is not the same as my success.”
• “Some people may leave, but others can accept the real me.”

This is like updating old code in your mind.

Build a kinder relationship with your ego

Treat your ego as a scared, overprotective part of you—not a monster.
You might say inside:

• “Thank you for trying to protect me.”
• “We don’t need to lie or show off right now. Let’s try honesty.”
• “We don’t have to attack; we can set a boundary instead.”

Over time, your ego can learn that you, your deeper self, are now in charge.

Ego and your real self

You can think of it like this:

• Your real self holds your true feelings, values, and needs.
• Your ego is the layer that learned how to survive and be accepted.

When ego runs the show completely, you may feel:

• Fake, empty, or like you’re always acting.
• Dependent on praise and terrified of criticism.
• Caught in habits like masking, showing off, or bullying yourself.

As you notice, calm, and retrain your ego:

• You get more choice and less automatic reaction.
• You can live more in line with your real values and needs.
• You feel more solid and authentic, less driven by fear and shame.

In simple terms: The ego is a protective “self‑image manager” your mind built from your past. It tries to keep you safe and liked, but it often uses old, harsh rules. By watching it, calming it, and teaching it new ways, you can turn ego from a boss into a helper – and make more room for your real self to live.