Boundaries
Boundaries are the clear lines you draw around yourself to protect your well‑being. They say, “This is okay for me,” and “This is not okay for me.” They are not about controlling other people; they are about how you choose to treat yourself and how you allow others to treat you.
What boundaries are
Boundaries can be:
- Physical – your body and personal space (who can touch you, how close people stand, when you need rest).
- Emotional – your feelings and inner world (what topics are okay, what tone you accept, how much emotional labour you can give).
- Time and energy – how much you can do, how long you stay, when you need to stop.
- Mental – your thoughts, beliefs, and opinions (you are allowed to think differently and not be forced to agree).
A simple way to think of a boundary is: “This is what I am okay with. This is what I am not okay with. And here is what I will do if that line is crossed.”
Why boundaries matter
Healthy boundaries:
- Protect you from being drained, used, or harmed.
- Help reduce stress, resentment, and burnout.
- Support self-respect: you show yourself that your needs matter.
- Make relationships clearer and safer for everyone.
Without boundaries, you might:
- Say “yes” when you mean “no,” and feel used or invisible.
- Stay around people who regularly hurt or belittle you.
- Feel guilty whenever you take a break or ask for space.
- Build up silent anger until you explode or shut down.
Signs you might need stronger boundaries
You may need clearer boundaries if you often:
- Feel tired, tense, or resentful after being with certain people.
- Feel guilty for resting, eating, or saying no.
- Find yourself doing things you don’t want to do, just to avoid upsetting others.
- Feel like people walk all over you, or that you “disappear” in relationships.
- Replay situations in your head, thinking “I wish I had spoken up.”
These feelings are not proof that you are weak; they are signals that your inner self wants more protection and respect.
How to set a boundary (plain steps)
Notice what feels wrong or too much: Ask: “What, exactly, is making me uncomfortable?”
For example: the shouting, the late-night calls, the constant criticism, the extra work dumped on you.
Decide what you need instead: Turn it into a clear request:
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“I need you to speak to me without shouting.”
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“Please call me before 9pm.”
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“I can’t take on extra work without notice.”
Use simple, calm words: You can use this basic structure:
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“When X happens, I feel Y, so I need Z.” For example: “When you raise your voice, I feel scared, so I need you to speak more calmly or I will leave the room.”
Stay firm, not cruel: You don’t have to explain your entire life story. A short, clear sentence is enough. You are allowed to repeat yourself if they push back:
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“I understand you’re upset, but my boundary is the same.”
Follow through on consequences: A boundary without action is just a wish. If they keep crossing it, do what you said you would do:
- Leave the room or call.
- End the visit early.
- In work settings, escalate or document if needed.
You cannot force them to change, but you can choose how much access they get to you.
Acting early vs. waiting too long
Most people wait until they are full of anger or pain before speaking up. By then, all the small hurts have stacked up, and the reaction can be explosive.
Healthier boundaries mean:
- Speaking up at the first small sign something feels off.
- Saying, “That doesn’t work for me,” before you are boiling inside.
Early, calm action:
- Stops the behaviour becoming a habit.
- Keeps your emotions smaller and easier to handle.
- Makes it more likely the other person can hear you without feeling attacked.
What to do when someone ignores your boundary
If someone:
- Laughs at your boundary,
- Twists it to make you feel guilty,
- Or keeps crossing it again and again,
then:
- Remind them briefly and calmly: “I’ve already said this isn’t okay for me.”
- Reduce contact if you can: less time together, fewer private conversations.
- In serious cases (abuse, threats, ongoing harm), seek help from trusted people or professionals and prioritise your safety.
It is okay to put your peace, self-respect and safety above keeping someone happy.
Boundaries with yourself
Boundaries are not just about other people. You also need them with yourself, for example:
- “I will not speak to myself like I am trash.”
- “I will stop working at 9pm, even if I feel guilty.”
- “I will not skip meals as punishment.”
These self-boundaries help rebuild self-respect and self-trust.
How boundaries connect to self-care and authenticity
Self-care: Boundaries protect your time, energy, and health so you can actually practice self-care instead of just thinking about it.
Authenticity: Boundaries let your real self have space. You are no longer saying “yes” to everything just to be liked. You can be more honest about what you want and don’t want.
In plain terms: Boundaries are how you teach the world, and yourself and how to treat you. They are not walls to shut everyone out, but doors with handles you control. You have the right to open and close those doors in ways that keep you safe, steady, and more fully yourself.
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