Seeking Help? Read this first

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Seeking Help

An honest guide to safety has to talk about the fact that many of the systems people are mandated to signpost people to, fail to provide any help.

Basic idea of safety

Safety means lowering the chance that you are harmed, by other people, by systems, by your own urges, or by your environment. You deserve safety whether or not services, platforms, or other people treat you as if you do.

Before seeking help: what to expect

Many “help” routes are inconsistent and often say no:

• Police, social services, GPs, crisis teams and hotlines can be life‑saving, but a lot of people are told their situation is “not high risk enough” or “doesn’t meet criteria.”​
• Reporting abuse or scams on platforms like Facebook is frequently met with “no violation found” even when harm is obvious.
• Asking for help, in itself, can raise your toxicity, and actually make things worse.
• Many systems often seek to place blame of the victim, for the fact that they are ashamed to admit that they are failing so badly.​

If this happens to you, it reflects thresholds, policies, money, and platform design and not the truth or seriousness of what you are living with.

You Must Take Responsibility

The truth is this: In this world, if you give away your sovereignty, by convincing yourself that you need help, and can only be fixed with help from others. Then you will probably be waiting until the end of your life.

The systems that have been created, serve a mythical “normal” person, who does not exist, and is not you. Many, will only work, if you do not have a problem, or actually need help. Then they are happy to help.

If you decide to seek help anyway

If you choose to try, a few things can sometimes tilt the odds:

• Write a short timeline: key incidents, dates, who was involved, any injuries or threats; this stops you having to rebuild your story each time.​
• Use simple, direct phrases systems recognise, like “I am afraid for my safety / my children’s safety” and “I need X” (e.g. a welfare check, risk assessment, housing advice).
• Keep basic records: names or ID numbers of officers/workers, dates of calls/visits, reference numbers, screenshots or photos where it’s safe to keep them.​

You are allowed to stop if the process is making you more unsafe or more distressed. Trying once or twice and then stepping back is not failure.

Safety steps that do not depend on the system

These are small and imperfect, but they are yours:

• Micro‑safety in your environment:
  • Notice rooms with two exits, doors that lock, neighbours or public places you could move to quickly.
  • Think about safer times of day, safer routes, or ways to avoid the riskiest moments or places where you can.
• Safer people:
  • Identify anyone who is more likely to believe you and not side with the abuser or minimiser; a particular friend, neighbour, relative, worker, or peer group.​
  • If you can, tell at least one person plainly: “I am not safe here.” Keeping the truth only in your own head is heavy.
• Online safety:
  • Treat Facebook and other platforms as high‑risk spaces. Be cautious with personal info, locations, and trusting strangers or groups with money, meetings, or secrets.​
  • Block, mute, or leave groups where you are targeted, and know that “no action” from the platform is a failure of theirs, not proof that the abuse is okay.​

When you don’t feel safe with yourself

Sometimes the main danger is from your own thoughts or urges.

• If you can, tell someone in plain words: “I don’t feel safe with myself right now,” or “I am scared I might harm myself.”​
• Make a very short safety plan for bad moments:
  • Warning signs (thoughts, feelings, situations).
  • Things that help even a bit (calling or texting someone, going to a different room or outside, cold water on hands/face, grounding, distraction).
  • Ways to reduce access to things you might use to hurt yourself, ideally with someone’s help.​

If you use a crisis line or emergency service and they are unhelpful, that is painful and wrong, but it still does not mean you were wrong to reach out.

Knowing such services may well fail to provide help, will help you manage the shock of rejection, and limit the distress of being proven, yet again, that you are on your own.

Naming the systemic failure, keeping your dignity

A truthful safety guide ends with this:

• If the “help system” sends you back, that is a failure of the system, not a verdict on your worth or the reality of your fear.​
• You are allowed to be angry about this and still take tiny steps that make you a little safer or a little less alone.
• But, if you get angry at the person refusing to help, they will use that against you, to prove to themselves that you are not worthy of their help.
• They may well try to say that your perception of the abuse is not correct, and try to convince you that you were mistaken. This is a common and systematic victim blaming tactic.
• Your judgment that something is not safe counts, even if institutions, platforms, or other people refuse to act on it.
• The system has been known to make things very dark for some that ask it for help. Sometimes getting the “help”, is far from help, too.

This is not the safety guide anyone deserves, but it is one that refuses to lie to you about what you are up against.

Further Reading