What is Masking?

a white mask sitting on top of a black surface

Photo by Christina Langford-Miller on Unsplash

Masking

Masking is when a person hides or changes parts of who they are in order to feel safer, fit in, or be accepted. It is like wearing an invisible costume in social situations. Many people do this, often without fully realising it, especially if they have been judged, bullied, neglected, or misunderstood in the past.

Masking can show up as:

Pretending to be more confident, happy, or “normal” than you feel.
Copying how others talk, move, or react so you don’t stand out.
Hiding your real interests, needs, or struggles because you fear rejection.

People who are Neurodivergent (for example, autistic or ADHD), or who grew up with emotional neglect, often learn to mask heavily to avoid criticism or harm.

Why people mask

Masking usually starts as a survival skill, not a lie. It can help you:

Avoid bullying, shaming, or punishment.
Get through school, work, or social events without drawing negative attention.
Be liked, praised, or at least left alone.

If, as a child, your true self was ignored, mocked, or attacked, you may have learned that being “you” is dangerous. So you build a mask: a version of you that seems more acceptable. Over time, this mask can become automatic.

Signs you might be masking

You might be masking if you notice things like:

Feeling exhausted after social situations, as if you’ve been “performing.”
Replaying conversations in your head, worrying if you acted “wrong.”
Changing your voice, face, or body language around different people.
Laughing at jokes you don’t like or pretending you’re okay when you’re not.
Struggling to answer “What do you actually like?” without thinking of others’ opinions first.

Some people say things like “I don’t even know who I am anymore” because the mask has been on for so long.

The cost of masking

While masking may protect you in the short term, over time it can:

Increase stress and burnout because you are always “on.”

Deepen shame, as if your real self is never good enough.
Make it hard to form close relationships, because people only know the mask.
Hide your real needs, so they never get met.

Many people who mask for years end up feeling empty, lonely, or unreal, even if others think they are doing “just fine.”

Masking vs. healthy flexibility

It’s normal to adjust a little in different situations (for example, being more formal at work than with friends). This is social flexibility, not necessarily masking.

The key difference:

Healthy flexibility: You still feel like you, just in different modes.
Masking: You feel like you are hiding or abandoning yourself to be accepted.

If, after an interaction, you feel mostly okay and still “you,” that’s flexible adapting. If you feel drained, fake, or ashamed, that was probably masking.

Exploring your mask gently

You don’t have to rip the mask off all at once. You can get to know it slowly and kindly:

Notice when you feel the urge to perform, impress, or hide.
Ask, “What am I afraid will happen if I act like my real self here?”
Write about your “masked self” and your “real self” – what each one says, wears, likes.

This is not about blaming yourself. The mask was your way of staying safe. You can even thank it: “You helped me survive. Now I want to learn how to be more me.”

Small steps toward unmasking

You can try gentle experiments:

With one safe person, share one real opinion or feeling instead of the “polite” one.
Let yourself say “I don’t know,” “I’m tired,” or “That doesn’t work for me,” even if it feels risky.
Do something you enjoy purely because you like it, not because it looks good to others.

Unmasking is closely tied to honesty and authenticity: telling the truth about who you are, at least to yourself, and then slowly, where it feels safe, to others.

When masking is still needed

For some people and in some settings, masking is still needed for safety, for example, in hostile environments or with unsafe people. In those cases, your first job is to protect yourself.

You can:

Choose where you save unmasking for: trusted friends, therapy, journaling, safe communities.
See masking as a tool you can pick up or put down, not your whole identity.

The aim is not to force yourself to be “fully real” everywhere. It’s to build more and more spaces where you can be real without fear.

In plain terms: masking is what you learned to do when being yourself did not feel safe enough. It once kept you alive or less hurt. Now, with care, self-compassion, and safer connections, you can begin to loosen the mask bit by bit, and let your real face breathe again.