What is Shame?

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Shame

Shame is a painful feeling that there is something wrong with you as a person, not just with what you did. It often comes with a strong urge to hide, shrink away, or disappear from other people.

What shame feels like

Shame is the feeling behind thoughts like “I am bad,” “I’m not good enough,” or “If people really saw me, they’d reject me.” It is different from guilt, which says “I did something bad”; shame says “there is something bad about me.”

Shame also comes from feeling of letting everyone down, of failure, not just of some task, but as a person. Often others might try to make you feel ashamed. It is a known form of bullying, sometimes called gaslighting.

What tends to trigger shame

Shame is often triggered when someone thinks they have failed, broken a rule, or fallen short in a way that will make others look down on them. It can come from actual criticism or rejection, but also from harsh inner standards, so a person can feel ashamed even when nobody else is judging them.

Why shame matters

A small amount of shame can sometimes nudge people to respect important social or moral limits, but strong or constant shame is usually harmful. It can damage self‑worth, lead to hiding and isolation, and make it hard to believe that one deserves kindness, help, or love.

Further Reading