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A structure of self
This article introduces the spiritual structure of self for the author. It was 14 years in the finding and represents the completion of a journey of self discovery that culminated with the author becoming one with all aspects of self. I’m keen to point out that we are all different, and that this structure may well be entirely unique to me. However, I provide this information to show the complexity of knowing the true self, and to show that knowing self in its entirety goes way beyond the immediate aspects of self in the current physical body.
I’m going to provide a bottom-up explanation of the self-aspects that I discovered on my journey, as this reflects the path I took on my journey into self. The above diagram of my self-structure I created to provide a summary of the major components and stages which I actualized on my journey into self. The reality is that this structure is far more complex, and I hope to reveal in the text, Insight into that complexity.
Current Physical Self
My starting point for my journey into self started with my immediate physical self. I asked myself about myself. Specifically, I found this self-inquiry was about revealing my shadows, and after many months of seemingly fruitless self-introspection, my shadows started to reveal themselves, through visualization meditation.
In my meditations, I began to have conversations with shadow aspects of my personality. I discovered that due to past Trauma, I had rejected many aspects of my personality. I had pushed these aspects into my sub-conscious mind, forgetting the personality traits they represented, and creating internal enemies – thought-forms which, over time, grew to hate me and were the basis of my self-sabotage and negative thoughts.
Realizing that my task was to reintegrate these aspects of my personality, I set the intention to work with those aspects and somehow to convince them that they should come back to my conscious self.
I connected to each shadow-self in turn, and found that they did not trust me and hated who I’d become. Each came to me with a drama; an internal play, which typically recreated the circumstances of my original rejection of them. By allowing this drama to play itself out, I found that I was able to reconnect with those aspects and to re-establish the trust that had been lost. I apologized to them for my past mistake of rejecting them, and I made a promise to them, that if they came back to my conscious self, I would always listen to them and take their ideas and feelings into account in any future decisions about self.
One by one, each thought-form chose to give me one last chance, to come back into my concept of self, and work with me so that I could become the best I could be. All in all, I discovered 42 aspects of self in this process. Not all of them were negative, and some were “mysterious” in that they either presented with false memories, or their true personality profile was hidden. One such aspect, I called “Mr Gray” as this was a slightly scary shadowy character who was always watching me, but would not reveal anything about his character or function. I’ll come back to him later in this article.
During this process of self-discovery, I realized that these aspects of self brought with them knowledge that I had not learnt in life. For example, at the end of this process of revealing and reintegrating my shadow aspects, they told me that I was now “Christed”, a term I was unfamiliar with. I now understand this to mean that I had achieved “Christ Consciousness”, the first stage in Self-actualization (as I understand it). I had brought all aspects of self into alignment, all were on-board with my plan for an integrated self and were fully brought into my conscious understanding of self.
Past, present and future physical selves
Whist I had reintegrated my current physical self and its self-aspects into alignment, I noticed, this had not stopped all the negative thoughts and feelings occurring in my mind. I therefore chose to perform further mediations to discover where these were coming from (I basically asked the source of those thoughts to come forward).
It was at this point that I discovered that I had other self-aspects, outside my “inner self”, which were also influencing how I felt about myself. I discovered that these were my past-lives, which, since they exist outside my current concept of time, were actually a combination of past, present and future physical selves.
I determined that I had two priorities in relation to these:
1. Resolve any past Negative beliefs – address past-life Karma
2. integrate/activate all my past/present/future physical counterparts into my self-concept.
To resolve the past-life Karma, the process was very similar to the visualization meditations I described in the previous section, I’d ask to connect to the aspect of self causing the negative thoughts and feelings, they’d come to me with a “drama of understanding” and through that drama, we would understand the lesson/challenge from that life, and agree to re-establish a loving relationship together.
To integrate all my physical counterparts into my self-concept, I asked within how this might be achieved, and I was told of a ritual which involved visualizing a thread sprouting from my left big-toe, which connected to all of my past-lives, and to perform a drawing in motion and intent, whereby every one of my past-lives was brought back into self. Similarly, I imagined a thread coming from my right ear connecting to all future selves, and by working my head in a circular motion, I could “gather in” those future selves.
So it was, that I spent the best part of a day performing circular motions with my left foot and head, until I had drawn in all my other physical-self aspects, until we had completely reintegrated ourselves.
While I was working with my past-lives, I realized that I was also working with my higher-self, or oversoul. I realized that to communicate with any past-life, that communication had to go via my higher-self, it being the point of interconnection between us. I therefore chose to have some discussions with my higher-self to understand its function better.
What I discovered is that whilst I have a primary higher-self, the higher-self “seat” in my structure can be occupied by any one of a number of my higher self-aspects. And that these higher self-aspects were my pre-creational archetypical aspects, sometimes called flames.
A natural outcome of working directly with my higher-self was that this aspect also became part of my self-concept. Thus, another aspect of self had been actualized and integrated into self.
Still on the path of locating the source of all of my negative thoughts and feelings, and having integrated all known aspects of self, I was surprised to find that I was still troubled with a particularly strong source of negativity from within myself. So, I started asking my known aspects where these thoughts were coming from? This involved me hopping from one self-aspect to another, asking the question. I started at the top and got deeper and deeper into older and older aspects of self until I got to my very first incarnation and asked where that thought came from. The response had me puzzled – he said “God”.
During this process, I had visualized this dark thread representing this dark thought and myself following it back in time, to its source. In my visualization, I could see this thread travelling from my first incarnation to “another place” before that incarnations’ existence. Therefore, I chose to follow the thread back to its origin.
I found myself on a hill, and on that hill there were five entities, and these turned out to be my archetypical aspects – higher self-aspects that live in my pre-creational self, who had chosen to enter into creation, one of whom who had ultimately chosen to create my own physical incarnation.
I could see that this dark thread came from one of these aspects, the one I now know to be my “twin flame” or divine opposite.
The story of how I came to integrate these flame aspects back into self is quite a long one, as I was pretty confused about them (two of them were dark in nature and I had this misconception that this was bad). But 7 years after I found these aspects, I was finally of the right mindset to integrate all of these, one after another.
One of my flame aspects also had the role of Godhead – the god who spoke my name and brought The divine thought of self into the plane of existence. The final part of my Self-actualization was for me to integrate the Godhead into my concept of self.
In my mythology of self, it’s this Godhead who judges you. Basically, his job was to check that I was living in truth, that I was not in denial of self in any way. Any lies I told to self about myself would mean rejection and negative judgement from the Godhead.
In this case, I was allowed to pass the Godhead, and in my visualization I saw in-front of me, a rainbow bridge and on the other side stood Mr Gray. I then realized that Mr Gray was the self I was to become, my self-actualized self. I crossed the bridge and merged with my actualized self.
At this point, I heard the voice of God, inviting me into heaven, which I accepted, and I could see there were three levels to heaven. God explained to me that this was my heaven, and there were others representing the heavens of each Religion/belief. This was my heaven, and it had three levels.
At the lowest level was the heaven for the non-ascended beings – individuals who had died without fully self-actualising. Those individuals were in the “waiting room” before shooting to incarnate again, to try again for Self-actualization.
The next level was for ascended beings who had fully self-actualised. At the top level was the “Council of heaven”, those few members who made the decisions regarding heaven and creation.
“However,” said God, “there is also Source, and you are invited there”. To which I accepted. God explained that the heavens were still part of the created universe, still part of the dream, and that source was the origin of creation.
At the first level of source, I was introduced to the “level of the Light Beings”, here the duality of the created universe was replaced by non-duality, as a result, the light-being took off the masks of the characters they had played in the created existence and I could see their pure divine selves. I recognized myself as a light-being as well.
There were a few levels to source, more than indicated in the diagram. As I travelled up these layers, the common theme was that the light beings integrated into each other, to ultimately become one, and this happened several times over.
Divine Masculine/Divine Feminine
At the higher levels of source, all coalesced into simple two aspects – Light/Dark, Masculine/Feminine, the basic polarities from which the all that is, is created. Here I met the Black King and the White Queen, who in turn coalesced into “The Void”. The void, I was told, is not so much emptiness, rather, it is a pre-creational state for the God. Not an absence of everything, but an abundance of everything, just in no defined or recognizable structure. In the dream of the god, this state represents the very beginning of the dream, before any “reality of god” has been defined.
At this level, there seems to be a choice. It was first represented to me as the end of the journey, the ultimate beginning, I had achieved enlightenment. However, I felt there was more, and I kept seeking, and in that seeking I found a gateway to a higher level.
There is more to actualization than simply Self-actualization. On my journey, I had reached full Self-actualization long ago, yet on my journey three the heavens and source I had been actualizing further, I had been incorporating yet more into my self-concept. I now found myself at a new level of actualization – self-universe actualization. Here I could see that I was a universe of my own creation. And that each of us, are also projecting our own universe into the multiverse that is the Earth plane. I’m going to write another article to explain this further.
Quickly after reaching this level of actualization, you also realize that the Earth plane is not the only multiverse you are projecting into. I realized that I’m projecting thousands of my universes into thousands of multiverses. This is called self-multiverse actualization.
It’s at this point where you also realize that you have achieved the top level in self-ascendence, you have arrived “home”, and you sit on the “Throne of self”. From here you can observe everything that you have created. From here you can also become one with the One-God, you become the avatar that speaks for the Unity that is all that exists.
“Garden of God”
Yet, there is still another level. This level represents your ultimate achievement. It is where you can leave God’s dream, and become “real”, sitting side by side with God, in his garden, so to speak. I believe it is our objective – to transition from the dream of God, into his reality.